Today I was presented with the opportunity to partake in a new form of People Watching: People Analyzing. This game involved, not only observing those that walked by me in the street, but also determining their “story”. What follows represents the varied personalities that I had the pleasure of creeping on today:
(Note: All names are just assumptions, but the stories are most likely 100% accurate. As the inventor of this game, I have to be pretty good at it.)
(2nd Note: Though it may seem so from the following game entries, I'm not a negative, judgmental, asshole in real life. It's all part of the game.)
· Poor Sam was the first to walk down the street that afternoon. With his sunken eyes and downward gaze, it was clear that Sam’s girlfriend had just broken up with him. He can’t help but place the blame on his fraternity; they are a negative influence on him. But is it really the fraternity’s fault that he drank too much and hooked up with his (ex) girlfriend’s roommate?
· Mary considers herself a bit artsy, but she may be the only one that would consider this. She tries so hard to look the part with her colorful scarf that doesn’t match the rest of her clothes. She should probably consider moving on from her failed childhood dream.
· Here comes that typical “hard-to-get” girl, Lindsey. You better have some money if you ever plan on winning her over. What a perfect example of a “don’t-talk-to-me” face.
· Good ol’ Jorge takes pride in the labor involved in his job. He’s a much harder worker than those corporate assholes, and if it was up to him, he’d get paid as much, if not more than those douche bags.
· Bill is just glad to be his age. As an elder, people don’t make fun of him anymore.
· Spencer is uncomfortable and unsure about whether or not he has sufficient upper-body strength, despite how often he works out. That’s why he wears a sweatshirt when he rides his bike in 70-degree weather.
· Carly constantly looks at her phone all day, and not to talk to her friends. She’s just hoping that maybe today is the day that “he” will finally text her. It’s been four months.
· Brian is very economical. Why waste money on shitty drag food, when you can pack your own lunch. Enjoy that moldy banana Brian.
· Rachel hates Jen, but she doesn’t know it. As far as anyone is concerned “they’re great friends”, but if she talks to Kent one more time, she’ll burn her with her curling iron.
· Bradley and Sara are that awkward couple. They think they are cute, but when you are in public, some stuff is just not ok.
· Conner has been in and out of fast food jobs every month, and even goes long stretches without one. Why? He’s yet to realize that his greasy long hair and unkempt beard is off putting to customers. Does he even wash his hands?
· Tim wishes he never gave up baseball. He was a great shortstop, but the despite the name, he was just too short to keep playing. His economics degree will have to suffice, but he fucking hates economics.
· Ah Danny, the proud, overweight guy. He’s not out of shape, he’s just who he is, and if you have a problem with it, you can fuck off. He’d rather die doing what he loves than waste time in the gym. In ancient times, such men were kings.
· Kyle is just hilarious! Well, he thinks he is. He joined his fraternity for a new audience. He does occasionally get some laughs, but that may be because of his cargo shorts and plaid hat.
· Hello Brittany!! Suh-rawr-it-ee sistas 4 live!!! Sure it’s a month before Round Up, by wait to wear neon? How else will people notice you in class? What could look hotter on a Wednesday than a tank and Nike shorts?
· “Siri, play artist Backstreet Boys, shuffled”, we can only assume Christina said. Boy, does she still live in the ‘90s. Tie dye t-shirts, unusually oversized jackets, and of course unnecessary gadget accessories. Keep living “Larger than Life” Christina.
· You know how much noise your shoes are making, right Molly? Who cares… Everyone can go fuck themselves, right?
· Jon, how sweet is it that you get to wear flip flops in February? If this weather keeps up, you can probably get an Ultimate game going on Saturday. It’s been a while since you’ve played, and you don’t have the time to waste playing for the school team. But let’s be honest… you’re probably not quite good enough.
· Chris, it’s amazing that you’ve made it this far in life. Food poisoning from the crap you eat off the street, is nothing compared to that cinder block you took to the head in ’84. It’s a shame what has happened to you. You really had a lot of things going your way, but sadly, you don’t remember.
That’s all for now, but I suspect that this game will make a comeback.
(Note: All names are just assumptions, but the stories are most likely 100% accurate. As the inventor of this game, I have to be pretty good at it.)
(2nd Note: Though it may seem so from the following game entries, I'm not a negative, judgmental, asshole in real life. It's all part of the game.)
· Poor Sam was the first to walk down the street that afternoon. With his sunken eyes and downward gaze, it was clear that Sam’s girlfriend had just broken up with him. He can’t help but place the blame on his fraternity; they are a negative influence on him. But is it really the fraternity’s fault that he drank too much and hooked up with his (ex) girlfriend’s roommate?
· Mary considers herself a bit artsy, but she may be the only one that would consider this. She tries so hard to look the part with her colorful scarf that doesn’t match the rest of her clothes. She should probably consider moving on from her failed childhood dream.
· Here comes that typical “hard-to-get” girl, Lindsey. You better have some money if you ever plan on winning her over. What a perfect example of a “don’t-talk-to-me” face.
· Good ol’ Jorge takes pride in the labor involved in his job. He’s a much harder worker than those corporate assholes, and if it was up to him, he’d get paid as much, if not more than those douche bags.
· Bill is just glad to be his age. As an elder, people don’t make fun of him anymore.
· Spencer is uncomfortable and unsure about whether or not he has sufficient upper-body strength, despite how often he works out. That’s why he wears a sweatshirt when he rides his bike in 70-degree weather.
· Carly constantly looks at her phone all day, and not to talk to her friends. She’s just hoping that maybe today is the day that “he” will finally text her. It’s been four months.
· Brian is very economical. Why waste money on shitty drag food, when you can pack your own lunch. Enjoy that moldy banana Brian.
· Rachel hates Jen, but she doesn’t know it. As far as anyone is concerned “they’re great friends”, but if she talks to Kent one more time, she’ll burn her with her curling iron.
· Bradley and Sara are that awkward couple. They think they are cute, but when you are in public, some stuff is just not ok.
· Conner has been in and out of fast food jobs every month, and even goes long stretches without one. Why? He’s yet to realize that his greasy long hair and unkempt beard is off putting to customers. Does he even wash his hands?
· Tim wishes he never gave up baseball. He was a great shortstop, but the despite the name, he was just too short to keep playing. His economics degree will have to suffice, but he fucking hates economics.
· Ah Danny, the proud, overweight guy. He’s not out of shape, he’s just who he is, and if you have a problem with it, you can fuck off. He’d rather die doing what he loves than waste time in the gym. In ancient times, such men were kings.
· Kyle is just hilarious! Well, he thinks he is. He joined his fraternity for a new audience. He does occasionally get some laughs, but that may be because of his cargo shorts and plaid hat.
· Hello Brittany!! Suh-rawr-it-ee sistas 4 live!!! Sure it’s a month before Round Up, by wait to wear neon? How else will people notice you in class? What could look hotter on a Wednesday than a tank and Nike shorts?
· “Siri, play artist Backstreet Boys, shuffled”, we can only assume Christina said. Boy, does she still live in the ‘90s. Tie dye t-shirts, unusually oversized jackets, and of course unnecessary gadget accessories. Keep living “Larger than Life” Christina.
· You know how much noise your shoes are making, right Molly? Who cares… Everyone can go fuck themselves, right?
· Jon, how sweet is it that you get to wear flip flops in February? If this weather keeps up, you can probably get an Ultimate game going on Saturday. It’s been a while since you’ve played, and you don’t have the time to waste playing for the school team. But let’s be honest… you’re probably not quite good enough.
· Chris, it’s amazing that you’ve made it this far in life. Food poisoning from the crap you eat off the street, is nothing compared to that cinder block you took to the head in ’84. It’s a shame what has happened to you. You really had a lot of things going your way, but sadly, you don’t remember.
That’s all for now, but I suspect that this game will make a comeback.
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